So a little about myself…

   I am unique. I say that because my strongest thought growing up was that everyone in the world is different, some lead, some follow, and the ones most people point out, or never notice are the outsiders. Being a bit of a black sheep in my family I knew I had to be a survivor and independent. I then created this opinion of myself that was a never ending goal to be unique. I would often tell my friends throughout childhood, I am just me, Ed. I would coach myself through endless days of depression by telling myself I am unique and although my troubles come in multiples of 3 (often quite hard on impact I might add), I am just me, Ed. You see, I have what they might call Asperger’s syndrome.  Having grown up learning about ADHD and Bi-Polar, then having to come to realization it was a bit more than that. Being socially awkward, rather spending time on my own, and having difficulty communicating with others around me including teachers which often led to struggles within the school system.

   I very much had talents of my own, I enjoyed camera work at the age of 9, video editing, even winning an award from Panasonic in grade 5. I worked on every computer I could get near and was fascinated with how things work, even with the mechanics of automobiles. As I got older I never quite fit in anywhere despite my variety of interests, often having one friend around and the rest of the time I was getting beaten down on some street corner because the kids didn’t understand me. After my parents split, we moved far away, in driving terms about 24 hrs away from everything I ever knew. Being a big change I didn’t handle it well, basically cried wolf to relatives anything to escape, after a while I finally came to terms with my surroundings, once again awkward around other kids and getting beaten up only feet from my house. It took until high school for me to finally get an opportunity to enjoy being young and experiencing my age in all its forms. I did not get beaten up anymore, but the damage was already done, I was depressed, always felt a bit lonely, so as time went on I got bigger and brighter ideas to fill my life that really I to this day wish I could tell myself not to bother.

   Once I became of age in interest with substances and girls I did not let others tempt me, I waited long enough or so I had hoped before that eventful night, with whom I chose I can’t believe how stupid I was for doing. When it came to substances, I had tried smoking as a means of stress relief, it didn’t really take on, learnt over time I could smoke for a day, smoke for a year, could quit cold turkey anytime, I felt I had learned the secret, told everyone, no one believed me. When I was old enough to drink I realized I didn’t really like it, did it anyways with a few bad experiences, mainly in terms of I didn’t enjoy the “buzz” about getting drunk, the feeling was horrid, and messing with the already imbalanced mind, it felt foreign to my body so I would reject it any way I could because it simply felt wrong. Instead I would hold parties for friends and friends of friends, periodically entertain as to make belief I were in attendance and slip out the back, going  for walks, going anywhere that wasn’t at the party. Only once in all of those trials did someone take notice, leave my place and having left me a very odd note, I stopped doing it all together.

   As I got older I was so bent on being everything my father wasn’t, having a backstory I haven’t explained but he wasn’t really around, bit of a womanizer, trashed my mother behind her back, cared very little for us kids, cared more about appearances. He was obsessed with possessions and was open with his opinions including when it came to his bosses at work, therefore bounced between jobs, we moved a lot, sold our stuff at flea markets (2^nd hand selling in a market) basically to put food on the tables. He was neglectful, a bit abusive and used religion as a weapon. That will sum that up for the purpose of my writing this. I grew up trying to be as sensitive as I could towards women, even when many times propositions came my way and at that age most guys around me would have jumped at the variety of opportunities I had, I had sought out more intelligent conversation but because of my own short comings, finding anyone with similar interests looked at me like I did those who wanted nothing more than a cheap fling. Some moments I regretted, some choices on a path not taken I had regretted, but in the sight of things now I don’t regret it as a whole. The part that has always gotten to me about my telling myself what to believe enough times I thought it would stick caused the most damage.

   You want to be a certain type of person, are you limited by your surroundings or what efforts you make in order to be that person? I haven’t even got the answer for that yet, I learnt you can see and still be blind. Friends I thought I knew for years poking fun at me behind my back for years, betrayal of young lovers, and hurting the closest friend you ever had because deep down you knew they were the one and you burnt that bridge trying to explain yourself in the deepest manner. I used to tell myself I would give anyone a chance, single mom with kids, sure I love kids (I really do, even as an older kid I looked after young kids, I was able to goof off but still keep them listening.) I helped raise a few kids for some chunks of my life and I always thought it was a good experience, had this intuition, this knack for it. I told myself no matter their size I thought they were beautiful, and believe me I thought many women were beautiful in many ways, but for some reason in an intimate way it was different, no matter what I told myself and it bothered me a lot because it made me feel insensitive and hurtful to those women. I then of course mentioned this to one of those women and they never looked at me again, another lesson learned. Honesty is sometimes more hurtful to others no matter how it makes you feel.

   So in the meantime I ended up moving out to the middle of nowhere to experience the life in a small town. Brought many different experiences, some good, some bad and some terrible. I ended up meeting someone as dysfunctional as me and we made a go of it, coming from a bad relationship she had ultimately turned me into a victim and it became a roller coaster from hell but I stuck around because her daughter and I had bonded over years and I wanted to be the best I could be for them. Having to deal with the spiral my mental state began to crash and I went downhill again, sometime later between jumping back and forth between a nearby city trying to get a grasp on my life, I couldn’t take it anymore, moved back to the city I had left behind previously that I had sworn I wouldn’t return which then led me to where I am now.

   Thus begins the chapter of how I started in a dump with poorly chosen people, finding my current place of work, having someone give me a chance to prove my worth, helping me get out of that bad situation, enough room to grow and a constant push I then met for the 2^nd time someone I once went to school with, who already had a child of her own, sometime later her and I had a child together and now we are a family of four, I have been at the same place of work for five years now, I climbed the ladder from the lowest position in the business to management in less than half of my time here. In that time and so on I have made many changes because they gave me an opportunity and I took it, granted with some reluctance but it has been ongoing in terms of working on me, my skills to become better, faster and more effective. I’ve never been more appreciative of those who helped me, gave me the chance I deserved.

   Now at the ripe age of early 30’s a family to support and my endless struggle to manage others the best I can with all my issues inside, I decided to write a blog, to express thoughts and ideas, things to inspire, things to make others ask questions. I don’t believe I have all the answers, nor do I think everything I say is the only answer. I do not have advanced skill in writing even though growing up I used to write a lot and people loved it, I never excelled at it, so even though the words are there they might not come across in the same light as I am trying to express it, but maybe just maybe the way I write can connect people from all varieties of interest and intellectual ability and give new purpose to everything people tend to forget, ignore or maybe never knew. I know that ever since I had my daughter I haven’t been able to think deep enough into the darkness to ever think on the wrong side of life or in terms of shortening my life, I have this drive to just do everything I can for my family that mine may or may not have provided. This is why I write, to tell you even with challenges, or a road misguided and no one to help you through some hard times, you can overcome and achieve. I haven’t found all the answers and I’m far from “cured” I still have many issues that will follow me through life and always give me a challenge, but what is life without questions, challenges and goals along the way.

   Those of you, who have read to this point, took the time to get this far thank you. If you have read any of my writings and it made you think even a little, whether it be positive or negative, the point is to make you think and have an opinion for yourself, I don’t expect to be right with everything, everything is up for interpretation, as perception can change a simple view of how a simple apple falls from a tree, how a wheel turns, how a bird flies, no matter how simple it may be to explain, it will always be interpreted different. I only look to inspire thought and views that can be different and span wide across as our surroundings and our cultures may be entirely different, but the basis of interest in life and us as human beings should ultimately be similar, to be enlightened or to enlighten, be yourself.

Thanks for reading!