Remembering Life
Remembering life, the way it was, the chances that came and went, mistakes and the smallest insignificant signs you thought you were always aware of until they came and went. A shallow pit in the heart runs deeper once you discover what has been leaking through underneath. Days gone by and they always seem to end the same way. We struggle with our own immortality, some do drastic things to prove they are living, others quite simply embrace the time for what it is.
Life was never short and sweet, I grew with a lot of pain and for years I was depressed, and I am sure everyone knew but like a shattered heart I hit the ground running every day, I lived to make people laugh and smile. I wanted to mend the world, starting with those around me, sacrificing anything I had to do so. Often, I am remembered for a person I long forgot. What memories I must share only paint a picture only too familiar with who I never was. I chalk most up to being a child and typical teenager, but then again what is typical other than that very stereotype.I fought with myself on what was right and wrong, who to side with, who made the most sense. Pick a religion, pick a political view, pick a race, pick a gender, pick a team, pick, pick, pick! What if I do not want to choose sides, what if I want to live and let live, what if I want to be me and my own, what if I do not want to follow, what if I do not want to lead. Forced to live in a world that the only win is when the silence comes long enough for others to stop pushing you for an answer you will never have. If you do not have it now, you never will. I spent years learning every answer I could, I still have not answered the most important of them all.
Today we are obsessed with erasing our past and creating shame for it instead of accepting that it was once acceptable and the reason we are here today and now, what we can change is from today and now and the damage we are causing by giving ourselves grief and making everything wrong from our past doesn’t prove we can make the world better today, only creates a bigger separation. Everything we are focused on now, every argument that is made has only created bigger separation between people, the very thing we are supposed to be doing the opposite. By avoiding one problem we created more, and what is worse, we never fixed the original problem.
If someone tells you to feel shame about something you once felt accomplished in life for, does that make you a bad person, and what does their opinion hold so strongly that it should matter when someone is personally attacking you without even knowing you. When the rebels of the world live their lives in the digital age and would not be caught dead saying the things they say in person. What I have said now, and, in the past, I would say anytime anywhere, I am not here to tread on anyone, I am here to be one voice and live the best life I can.
We are so afraid of judgement, we will hurt everyone in our path to build thick skin, but skin no matter how thick, is still only skin and what’s underneath is almost always fear. I have been afraid, afraid of life, afraid of not knowing, afraid of what others can become when they choose to hurt others for meaningless reasons. They used to feel small, but the bigger they became, is it because they became brave, or because they stepped on others to climb up, what happens when the tower of broken dreams shatters underneath their feet? Will anyone catch them after all that they have done? Some of us live with regret, our share of mistakes, some take the easy way out, I have been down both roads and its often a road travelled alone. Just do not make others pay for them.
When does a person’s mistakes get forgiven, and who is the one to forgive? The answer is seemingly different for everyone, but I always find the first step is yourself no matter what you believe. We find ourselves and we find the answers when we least expect it, and often when we are not looking. Some of us spend our lives searching for answers and the reason it takes a lifetime to find was because they were not living life, they were searching others, we all do it in some smaller forms. Whether exploring a different life’s experience through a novel, by watching someone else, even though forms of hallucinatory drugs, because whether they were real or not, they weren’t yours, you didn’t live them.
When you meet someone, they tend to change a lot of your views and your often left wondering why, I like to think of it as a puzzle, they tend to complete the picture and when you were working with half an idea now you have the other half, we were meant to work in pairs, no matter what gender. Some of us spend our lives living physically alone and yet have everything they need, regardless of background or culture, there is a reason why they tend to keep to their own, to reduce influence. That is what life seems to become more and more about, influence. What is choice then? You can influence me all you would like; I can still choose whether to go along with it or not. The most useful tool of the mind.
We choose to remember many things for many reasons, often with details out of order and sometimes even nonexistent. Is it because our brains are not perfect, or maybe it is just our way of being the perfect storytellers, even when it is something, you are telling yourself? I often sang in my head, but what does that really mean, how can I sing in my head, and even though I might remember the tune wrong and do not recall all the words can I turn a song that might usually take 3-4 minutes, play in my mind for what can often seem like 15 minutes or more.
We all find different paths to different outcomes for different reasons. We put it all on the line for what, gain, all kinds of gains, because even those are happy with nothing, want gains, however small or large it might seem to anyone, a gain means you are moving forward, you are doing something to move up, no matter to what degree. What is that gain worth to you, and why do we push too hard often losing what we gain. The way I have always looked at things is that we gain even when we lose, because the experience is a gain.
There are no surprises here, what surprises us is believing what we cannot do and when we find out we can indeed do it, that creates a shock to our systems. For me, it was always hard to be surprised, I saw things I should not, I experienced things I should not, and I did things I should not. The few surprises I have had up until this point in life came in the form of bringing a life into the world and the changes it brought to the way I thought and my priorities. Another is meeting my soulmate, the one so to speak, years ago, she got away and I spent many years chasing, but the truth remained, I found her, some of us never find our soulmate, and even when we do, you can try everything in the world and never win because sometimes in life it is not meant to be, but what will forever be is knowing and trying.
I have forgotten a lot of my past and there is often times I forget things from the present, I used to hang myself up on everything, remember every detail like it was of vital importance. All it did was waste time and alter my life’s experience. What I choose to remember now is what I need to, my heart remembers what it wants to. As cliché as it can be, listening to your heart has more value than is ever understood.
We make choices and have choices made for us when we are not able to do it ourselves. Likely during adolescence but sometimes it is due to the cards we were dealt in life and that left us with unique abilities that might differ from the next person. What matters most is no matter what form we take, what physical presence we embody, we have a heart and soul, in spirit and in mind. We have this life and sometimes it has taken too soon, I once saw life like a video game. When we fail, we tried again, when we died, we got another chance, somewhere else, as someone else. Like an oops you were not meant to spawn here, let us try this again, like the mind of someone brilliant but the world is not ready for you, your time will come.
With each phase of our lives, the outcomes change, this is something I tested a lot at a very young age, and it annoyed everyone that might have gotten involved indirectly or directly. I would often make the same mistake expecting a different outcome because I would test the variable just slightly different each time, but to others it often looked the same. Even when I would get punished I would do it again, I would try to find a reason and a solution and attempt it again, I never once gave up. Weirdly enough the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, for me however I always knew what the outcome would be but had hoped enough had been done to make a difference.
I always believed that even the smallest change could make a difference, or else what are we doing here, what is life if we do not ever improve or make changes that make the world better. If all we do is the same, or make the world change for negative reasons, why can’t the same be said for those of us making a small impact, because on a larger scale, the more of us who try, the more we level the playing field in the goal to keep the world turning because whether or not we get off this rock, it’s still the only planet we have, and the only humanity we have, and the only life we have.
Those of you who refuse to change, your labeled, those of you who do change, your labeled. Why do we label everything, what makes it so much easier to label things? The difference of knowing and not knowing. The difference of accepting vs bs accepted. To adapt or be the very foundation for those who seek higher ground. For the dreamers that need an anchor just to keep them from going so far that they might crash. For those who think they are doing right by someone for holding them back. To fail at something means we fail as people. To try again is to accomplish even if we are not successful.
We hurt for so many reasons that it can often blind us what is out there to help us. What if we do not want help, when does helping someone become more about you then it does them? There were times I would change my mind so often that I think it would drive others and even myself a little crazy. I’d like to believe I always had the best intentions for my actions, but wouldn’t anyone want to believe that. It has been proven time and again, even those who we look up to, even symbols we follow that are pure and should be followed for its teachings has proven that everything and everyone has faults.
We see what we want to see, and often we can judge ourselves too harshly for it. Crime and punishment, when the guilt runs so deep, we commit a crime to ourselves by not allowing ourselves to grasp what we have done and accept it for what it is. We all grieve for loss, we grieve for accidents, we grieve when we have missed out in life. We punish ourselves more often harder than anyone else could. It used to be said that you could imprison yourself for life and live no life at all, what life is it when you are still indeed alive. I used to believe there was no life after love. Until I loved myself first.
Having my own near-death experience, I did not see what others have claimed, except for what my eyes saw happening in front of me and believe me I could write in perfect detail every second up until it was over, and I was safe so to speak. I did not see light’s that differed from the streetlights and I did not relive the most important parts of my life. What came after might have been the most anticlimactic ever. I had such a disrespect for my own life at the time I was angrier at the so-called friends I had that left me behind then the accident itself. I never saw them the same again.
As the years went on and I started caring less and less about what others thought, I had more time to think for myself. Sure there were times when someone would come along my way singing the familiar tune and it got easier to recognize before being swept up in it, but there were also times I felt I had to get involved to help, it was always the one thing that seemed impossible to change, but each time I learnt to handle it differently and more often than not, protect myself.
We are mortal for a reason, and whether you live life practically or in a dream, there is always one truth. Live your best life. Deep down I will always be a dreamer. I do however see that in this ever-changing world it is getting harder and harder to communicate with each other. It used to be that language was the barrier but today we all create barriers to protect ourselves and the individual rights we have created to ensure we build a belonging rather than taking any belonging we can find. We have evolved as people by the very definition of what we had intended to bring us together.
We create reasons to avoid things, avoid people, avoid the truth. We run and we hide and often in plain sight. We live in denial and we struggle with ourselves because if we are the only ones in charge than no one can hold us back. We stopped holding ourselves accountable though, we fail it becomes someone else’s fault, and for those smart enough to know better, are just afraid to take a chance anymore. Those of us who see a bigger picture become the outcast and end up living in a shadow. We are not so different; we all just want to make our mark and be somebody. We cannot live unless we take chances, we cannot know the outcome until we have lived through it.
I am often asked how I can write all of this, what efforts and planning do I make to write, the truth is, no matter the time of day, I am always thinking, it never shuts off, and writing takes as long as my skills to put it to a page. I am not a poet, I am not a philosopher, I am but one seed in the world trying to make something grow, to show my truths and encourage others to do so as well. I will forever speak my mind for the sake of knowing myself and showing depth does not always mean you have to wear your heart on your sleeve, you do not have to guard yourself either. Live your life, learn, make mistakes, grow, and keep growing. You can always change the stars. Be the change you want to bring the world.
To my viewers, it is okay to move forward, to ask questions, debate and educate yourselves. We move forward by what we learn and how we grow as people. Do not forget that we all deserve our place and our rights in this world, but also remember that we will always be stronger unified. Do not be ashamed of who you are or who you were because we are always learning, always growing, and always dreaming. Never stop trying, even when we fail, use that to learn how to succeed, and take what you have learnt from it, it will help you and everyone else learn too. We are after all, human beings.
Thanks for Reading!
We choose to remember many things for many reasons, often with details out of order and sometimes even nonexistent. Is it because our brains are not perfect, or maybe it is just our way of being the perfect storytellers, even when it is something, you are telling yourself? I often sang in my head, but what does that really mean, how can I sing in my head, and even though I might remember the tune wrong and do not recall all the words can I turn a song that might usually take 3-4 minutes, play in my mind for what can often seem like 15 minutes or more.
We all find different paths to different outcomes for different reasons. We put it all on the line for what, gain, all kinds of gains, because even those are happy with nothing, want gains, however small or large it might seem to anyone, a gain means you are moving forward, you are doing something to move up, no matter to what degree. What is that gain worth to you, and why do we push too hard often losing what we gain. The way I have always looked at things is that we gain even when we lose, because the experience is a gain.
There are no surprises here, what surprises us is believing what we cannot do and when we find out we can indeed do it, that creates a shock to our systems. For me, it was always hard to be surprised, I saw things I should not, I experienced things I should not, and I did things I should not. The few surprises I have had up until this point in life came in the form of bringing a life into the world and the changes it brought to the way I thought and my priorities. Another is meeting my soulmate, the one so to speak, years ago, she got away and I spent many years chasing, but the truth remained, I found her, some of us never find our soulmate, and even when we do, you can try everything in the world and never win because sometimes in life it is not meant to be, but what will forever be is knowing and trying.
I have forgotten a lot of my past and there is often times I forget things from the present, I used to hang myself up on everything, remember every detail like it was of vital importance. All it did was waste time and alter my life’s experience. What I choose to remember now is what I need to, my heart remembers what it wants to. As cliché as it can be, listening to your heart has more value than is ever understood.
We make choices and have choices made for us when we are not able to do it ourselves. Likely during adolescence but sometimes it is due to the cards we were dealt in life and that left us with unique abilities that might differ from the next person. What matters most is no matter what form we take, what physical presence we embody, we have a heart and soul, in spirit and in mind. We have this life and sometimes it has taken too soon, I once saw life like a video game. When we fail, we tried again, when we died, we got another chance, somewhere else, as someone else. Like an oops you were not meant to spawn here, let us try this again, like the mind of someone brilliant but the world is not ready for you, your time will come.
With each phase of our lives, the outcomes change, this is something I tested a lot at a very young age, and it annoyed everyone that might have gotten involved indirectly or directly. I would often make the same mistake expecting a different outcome because I would test the variable just slightly different each time, but to others it often looked the same. Even when I would get punished I would do it again, I would try to find a reason and a solution and attempt it again, I never once gave up. Weirdly enough the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result, for me however I always knew what the outcome would be but had hoped enough had been done to make a difference.
I always believed that even the smallest change could make a difference, or else what are we doing here, what is life if we do not ever improve or make changes that make the world better. If all we do is the same, or make the world change for negative reasons, why can’t the same be said for those of us making a small impact, because on a larger scale, the more of us who try, the more we level the playing field in the goal to keep the world turning because whether or not we get off this rock, it’s still the only planet we have, and the only humanity we have, and the only life we have.
Those of you who refuse to change, your labeled, those of you who do change, your labeled. Why do we label everything, what makes it so much easier to label things? The difference of knowing and not knowing. The difference of accepting vs bs accepted. To adapt or be the very foundation for those who seek higher ground. For the dreamers that need an anchor just to keep them from going so far that they might crash. For those who think they are doing right by someone for holding them back. To fail at something means we fail as people. To try again is to accomplish even if we are not successful.
We hurt for so many reasons that it can often blind us what is out there to help us. What if we do not want help, when does helping someone become more about you then it does them? There were times I would change my mind so often that I think it would drive others and even myself a little crazy. I’d like to believe I always had the best intentions for my actions, but wouldn’t anyone want to believe that. It has been proven time and again, even those who we look up to, even symbols we follow that are pure and should be followed for its teachings has proven that everything and everyone has faults.
We see what we want to see, and often we can judge ourselves too harshly for it. Crime and punishment, when the guilt runs so deep, we commit a crime to ourselves by not allowing ourselves to grasp what we have done and accept it for what it is. We all grieve for loss, we grieve for accidents, we grieve when we have missed out in life. We punish ourselves more often harder than anyone else could. It used to be said that you could imprison yourself for life and live no life at all, what life is it when you are still indeed alive. I used to believe there was no life after love. Until I loved myself first.
Having my own near-death experience, I did not see what others have claimed, except for what my eyes saw happening in front of me and believe me I could write in perfect detail every second up until it was over, and I was safe so to speak. I did not see light’s that differed from the streetlights and I did not relive the most important parts of my life. What came after might have been the most anticlimactic ever. I had such a disrespect for my own life at the time I was angrier at the so-called friends I had that left me behind then the accident itself. I never saw them the same again.
As the years went on and I started caring less and less about what others thought, I had more time to think for myself. Sure there were times when someone would come along my way singing the familiar tune and it got easier to recognize before being swept up in it, but there were also times I felt I had to get involved to help, it was always the one thing that seemed impossible to change, but each time I learnt to handle it differently and more often than not, protect myself.
We are mortal for a reason, and whether you live life practically or in a dream, there is always one truth. Live your best life. Deep down I will always be a dreamer. I do however see that in this ever-changing world it is getting harder and harder to communicate with each other. It used to be that language was the barrier but today we all create barriers to protect ourselves and the individual rights we have created to ensure we build a belonging rather than taking any belonging we can find. We have evolved as people by the very definition of what we had intended to bring us together.
We create reasons to avoid things, avoid people, avoid the truth. We run and we hide and often in plain sight. We live in denial and we struggle with ourselves because if we are the only ones in charge than no one can hold us back. We stopped holding ourselves accountable though, we fail it becomes someone else’s fault, and for those smart enough to know better, are just afraid to take a chance anymore. Those of us who see a bigger picture become the outcast and end up living in a shadow. We are not so different; we all just want to make our mark and be somebody. We cannot live unless we take chances, we cannot know the outcome until we have lived through it.
I am often asked how I can write all of this, what efforts and planning do I make to write, the truth is, no matter the time of day, I am always thinking, it never shuts off, and writing takes as long as my skills to put it to a page. I am not a poet, I am not a philosopher, I am but one seed in the world trying to make something grow, to show my truths and encourage others to do so as well. I will forever speak my mind for the sake of knowing myself and showing depth does not always mean you have to wear your heart on your sleeve, you do not have to guard yourself either. Live your life, learn, make mistakes, grow, and keep growing. You can always change the stars. Be the change you want to bring the world.
To my viewers, it is okay to move forward, to ask questions, debate and educate yourselves. We move forward by what we learn and how we grow as people. Do not forget that we all deserve our place and our rights in this world, but also remember that we will always be stronger unified. Do not be ashamed of who you are or who you were because we are always learning, always growing, and always dreaming. Never stop trying, even when we fail, use that to learn how to succeed, and take what you have learnt from it, it will help you and everyone else learn too. We are after all, human beings.
Thanks for Reading!
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